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Monday, June 8, 2020

Ramblings from an Angry Widow


 May 25th was mine and Danny’s anniversary, we would’ve been together for 6 years. I’ve been thinking a lot about his family and the things I want to say to them for cruelly giving me the cold shoulder, I’ve also been thinking a lot about how angry I am at Danny. I’m not angry at him for dying, I’m angry at him for not taking better care of himself—for drinking himself sick instead of enjoying and living life with me, I’m angry at him for all the times he made me feel responsible for his alcoholism getting worse. I’m angry at him for not being more responsible and properly preparing, I’m angry at him for not getting the help that he desperately needed until the last minute.

However, none of this compares to the anger I feel towards Danny’s family. I’m going to end this by making this out to them personally—Dorcas Marsden, you are a gelatinous slob that selfishly chose to sit in a chair and have your children wait on you hand and foot, all because your piece of shit husband died. Your disgusting, weak, and you’re just as bad as my mother if not worse. Danny hated you and his Dad, yet Danny still took care of you when he could, even if it was simply out of obligation. Oh, and lets not forget the fact that you’re the reason he felt guilty about getting to know his biological brother, and even when you knew Danny had cancer you still demanded he make you a cup of tea. You still couldn’t accept the fact that Danny wasn’t religious; when your husband was alive, you spent so much time trying to be the good Christian wife, you wouldn’t even bother to stop your husband from beating your fragile son and then locking him in closets. That worked to his advantage however, when he was 11 years old, he ate his first pussy in that very same closet. Ha! So much for your good Christian household!

Ezra Burns, you’re a sad sack with too many kids and from what I’ve heard, you’re a shit father. You’re a gross old pig that clearly doesn’t even like your wife, you only married her for money and because you didn’t want to be alone after your previous wife died. Perhaps that’s why your dad drank too much and beat your mom, he himself couldn’t stand his cunting wife, let alone stand to be around his aborted disappointments.

And Laura Burns, you denied me some of Danny’s ashes even when I offered to help you pay for half of the cremation, I was even willing to give you $1000 just for a couple of tablespoons. I know about all the times you tried to convince Danny to leave me—you respect me so little that when I got on my knees and begged you, eyes clouded with tears; your soul is so full of dust and the ashes of your dead relatives, you wrote me off as hysterical. You belittled me, patronized me, antagonized me—talking to you was like being curb-stomped after being stabbed in the back, then left to bleed out on the side of the road, which I suppose is why you’re going to just drop Danny in a hole with two people he despised, the same way your Dad dropped his dick into your rancid hole when he got bored with your mom. That's right, I know about the accusations you made against your father. It’s pretty fucked up that you think it’s morally corrupt to divide up someones ashes, yet it’s righteous to bury Danny with the woman who gave you life, then took it from you to sit in a chair, right along with the man you accused of rape. All of this you're doing for YOUR convenience! You’re a gnarled, toothless hag and you smell like your moms piss and shit—or is that your vile malodorous stench? I know you have a tendency to soil yourself, what I really want to know is…when your Dad was pumping in and out of you, did he cum inside of you? Or did he shoot it all over your fat ass because he couldn’t stand to look at your “O” face?

All those times you and Dorcas said you loved me, cared about me, and that we were family—when you found out Danny had cancer, you even went so far as to say and I quote, "If you ever need anything, Danny's badass sister is here to help." Then you hugged me, let me cry on your shoulder after shedding a few of your own; it was complete bullshit. You actually cared so little about me, you kicked me out of the house within the same week of Danny’s death because I disagreed with you. You respect yourself so little that even with kidney failure, you chain smoke, eat garbage food, and make little to no effort to care for yourself. Strong people don't need to tear others down in order to feel strong, they do it on their own. You are a dried up, burlap husk of a woman and I hope your death is as lonely and miserable as your time on this planet.

Good Riddance!






Thursday, June 13, 2019

THE PICKLE OF TOP OF THE SHIT THAT IS LIFE




In a couple of months, I have to be out of the house my grandparents own. My grandparents are in their 80’s, their health is deteriorating, and insurance on the house keeps going up every year. I’ve been looking at apartments, houses, and duplexes—even motor homes!

Now, I have only one question… Are these places made of minerals that were plucked from the center of the earth, magically transported to the heavens, where they were encased in gold by the Gods?

Everything is so expensive and none of the places I looked at appeared to be worth it! I thought of buying a used van outright and converting it, but I’m not that handy. I mean, how do you build a shitter in a van without a bunch of shit leaking out?

I can’t handle the degrading monotony of working nine to five—I’m neurotic, misanthropic, and I never sleep. I can’t handle spending most of my life in a place that makes me suicidal, I know myself well enough to know that I just wouldn’t last very long, especially when it’s only to pay for some $1200 roach orgy.

I’m not without a plan, but I do know that things never work out accordingly, the only thing that scares me is the uncertainty.

My plan is to get a car, take on more dog walks, house sits, and drop in visits; continue to work on my writing, and travel as much as possible—then see where I end up… Who knows? Maybe I’ll die!!!

Wednesday, May 8, 2019

EXISTENTIAL FEAR




I’m afraid, as we all are.

I’m afraid that I’m such a mistake that I’ll never truly find my place in this world, unless I’m being used for someone else's benefit.

I’m afraid that no matter how hard I try, nothing will come of my efforts because we’re all at the mercy of our own fate, a path forged for each of us leaving us no choice. Some are doomed shiver alone in the darkest of cold shadows, while others get to be illuminated by the warmth of the sun.

I’m afraid that I’m too weak, too unnecessary, too worthless.

I’m afraid of loosing just as much as I’m afraid of winning, therefore I become too afraid to try.

I’m afraid of being crippled by loneliness.

I’m afraid of being crippled by age.

I’m afraid of being crippled by fear, even though I already am.

I’m afraid of people and their intentions.

I’m afraid of the world because I’m afraid that I’m not meant to be here.

I’m afraid of being alone, yet I’m afraid of getting close to others.

I’m afraid of simply being human.

I’m afraid, as we all are.

Tuesday, March 12, 2019

Corrosive Empathic Psychosis



It was Christmas Day and little Tiffany’s parents sat in the living room as she passed out presents, her blonde curls bounced and her face lit up with a smile, like the glimmering Christmas lights loosely strung around the small Christmas tree. The smile slowly began to fade as she noticed that her gifts were stacked into a large pile, creating a maze that left very little space for her and everyone else to move. Meanwhile, the extended family members that grew up with nothing only received socks, underwear, and a few food items.

The voice in her head began to get louder as she sat down, cramped between the exuberant amount of gifts and the couch. She felt trapped and claustrophobic as she began to open the gifts, feigning Christmas joy. Her pretty blue eyes started to water as the voice began to bellow, “you’re a piece of shit! You’re a waste of space! Who the hell do you think you are?!”

Tiffany began to panic, yet she said nothing out of fear of upsetting anyone. She felt overwhelmed as she felt everyone staring at her, judging her. Tiffany’s thoughts raced as an invisible hand wrapped around her neck, keeping her from saying what she really wanted to say, so instead, she screamed. She grabbed her hair and screamed louder than the voices that told her she was worthless, making her appear spoiled and unappreciative. Her family gaped at her, stunned by the sudden madness happening in front of them, angry at the screeching brat they maxed out their credit cards for.

Later that day, everyone went home and the pathetic princess tried to apologize to her mother, who was already too stoned to care. “You have to remember that there are children who don’t have what you have.” Her mother's words and slurred speech created a familiar, lonely void that Tiffany’s heart always managed to fall into.

Tiffany went to her room, cuddling with her self-hatred, noticing the only thing beautiful in her life were the expensive inanimate objects everyone mistakes for love.



The End

Thursday, November 15, 2018

Empathy (From the POV of emapthy as if it were human)

Agnes Toth
Empathy

Your vicious tongue filled with venom and lies twists and twirls its way through my brain.

You revile me odious tales and malicious piety

Your cruel, shallow nature makes me sick of you!

Not only you but myself, because I am unworthy.

But YOU are unworthy!

You're greedy, lazy, and mediocre.

You're so talented but vague.

Just like everyone else, I love you and I hate you.

I long to be a part of you.

Hello society!

Hello World!

Do you remember me?

Yes, you do.

Though I hardly doubt you care...


Tuesday, April 17, 2018

Fat Emo


My entire childhood and some of my early adulthood, I was always the fat girl. I'm very proud of how hard I worked to be in such good shape, but sometimes I wonder why I don't eat myself back to morbid obesity. I don't know why I was completely ashamed of myself! I ate my emotions and "cut" them off  (i.e. self-mutilation), leaving my brain in a dopamine-induced food haze. Of course, that didn't last! It was always followed by shame; not just because I ate too much, but because I lacked the will and motivation to do anything about it. Then after a series of profound moments and unbearable boredom, I decided to better myself.

I want to see the world and meet different people (Yes! This misanthropic nihilist wants to meet people!), try exotic foods, and learn about different cultures. You can't do these things lying in bed all day. Not to mention, I really hate hating myself. So, I got up and decided to do something about it. Naturally, there is A LOT more to this story! Perhaps one day, I'll write about it in my autobiography. 

Long story short, I used to define my self-worth based on how I looked. I've been fat my whole life, within that same time span, I've also been a misfit. Eventually, I learned how to cake on makeup and do my hair in an attempt to either draw people in or push them away. I thought the only way to be valuable was to look valuable. If I didn't look like what I perceived to be valuable, then I deserved to be alone. How petty! How moronically artificial could I be to not remember the rot that inevitably sets in?!

Do people treat me any differently now than they did when I was fat? Yes, very much so! Are they nicer? Not really...

No matter what I look like, I'm too different to fit into a traditional mold. I'm too aware to be blind to the fact that beauty is nothing more than quality mating, innately making you a more titillating conquest. I used to want kids, I also used to pretend to love them (Kids are annoying). However, I already decided in my mid-twenties it was best not to reproduce. For that reason among many others, theirs no point in being valuable to anyone but myself and those who value me as a person.

I'm not going to lie, I enjoy looking at men and women with beautiful parts. Regardless of my shallow tendencies, it doesn't diminish the fact that those individuals are people with thoughts, feelings, hopes, dreams, and insecurities of their own. Being beautiful doesn't make you special or unique...it just makes you lucky; and more often than you might deserve, you get lucky!

Vanity is dangerous and potentially self-destructive. We're more than the pretentious layer that society expects us to be; the clear, colorless human beings that make our idiosyncrasies less terrifying and uncontrollable. We constantly change and transform, we grow old and then revert to stardust. We are different, yet we are the same. As an act of self-love, I vow to be less of a superficial twat goblin!



    

Saturday, March 17, 2018

Anxious mutterings and False Pretense


 My anxiety with people overwhelms me. Every day I'm anxious about being social and opening up out of fear of how people might try to hurt me. It's not about what they think, it's about what they'll do. Does everyone feel this way?

I'm not perfect.

This is important because just like everyone else, I put up a front. Does everyone really do this, or am I just a fake piece of shit?

I'm.Not.Perfect.

 Nonetheless, I smile and I laugh trying to make the best of this mortal coil. This place is so fucked up, I force myself to talk to people and I do my best to interact; despite the fact that deep down every day I want to die. Does this make me crazy? Am I chemically imbalanced, or am I correct when I feel like I'm not meant to be here? I've personally never met a human that wasn't on some level mentally ill! I continue to smile and I continue to laugh, pretending that nothing is wrong. I do this because I don't know how else to cope.

I'M NOT PERFECT