Unified by Turbulence

 

Ever had one of those days where you just want to put your fist through a window, to feel a wave of tranquility wash over you as you pick the glass from your arm? Well, that’s basically how I feel everyday…

When I’m happy, I’m angry.

When I’m sad, I’m angry.

When I’m completely content my mind will go a mile a minute at times, taking me to places that I don’t want to go. Although I try to shove it down, it doesn’t seem to fix the problem. With further contemplation in an attempt to provide myself with self awareness, I’ve realized that this is normal. Yet, I can’t help but wonder if maybe… just maybe it affects me more intensely. Given my diagnosis of BPD, a qualified professional would tell me that it certainly the case—yet with all the therapy I’ve done, all the drugs that I’ve taken, and all the progress I’ve achieved through sheer will and dedication; I still feel angry.

This is something that is unlikely to change—I can try my hardest to live my best life, but more than likely, I’ll carry this rage around for the rest of my life. Instead of ruminating and allowing it to crush my spirit, the best thing would be to accept that this is normal.

Anger seizes me…

I’m trapped

I’m choking

I’m dying within this flesh tethered confinement!

I’m just as benumbed to the life moving around me as they brag on their emptiness

as if apathy is something to be revered.

The world is shallow and savage

I feel my blood become frozen as my heart turns cold.

Now, with my baneful eye

I crave war and suffering with the metallic taste of death.

I am no different

I am just as cold

I am just as empty

I am just as vain.

THE PICKLE OF TOP OF THE SHIT THAT IS LIFE

In a couple of months, I have to be out of the house my grandparents own. My grandparents are in their 80’s, their health is deteriorating, and insurance on the house keeps going up every year. I’ve been looking at apartments, houses, and duplexes—even motor homes!

Now, I have only one question… Are these places made of minerals that were plucked from the center of the earth, magically transported to the heavens, where they were encased in gold by the Gods?

Everything is so expensive and none of the places I looked at appeared to be worth it! I thought of buying a used van outright and converting it, but I’m not that handy. I mean, how do you build a shitter in a van without a bunch of shit leaking out?

I can’t handle the degrading monotony of working nine to five—I’m neurotic, misanthropic, and I never sleep. I can’t handle spending most of my life in a place that makes me suicidal, I know myself well enough to know that I just wouldn’t last very long, especially when it’s only to pay for some $1200 roach orgy.

I’m not without a plan, but I do know that things never work out accordingly, the only thing that scares me is the uncertainty.

My plan is to get a car, take on more dog walks, house sits, and drop in visits; continue to work on my writing, and travel as much as possible—then see where I end up… Who knows? Maybe I’ll die!!!