I’m sitting here drunk, listening to music… on the radio! I would never listen to anything on the radio given the option. Yet here I am, sitting here drunk, looking for messages in music I would never listen to on my own; hoping to catch a “clue.” I suppose in this dark, drunken state this is how my psychosis is choosing to manifest itself.
As I sit here by candlelight, rocking back and forth, cuddling my own tortured thoughts; I have no choice but to accept this darkened solitude like most people with no trustworthy family and no close friends. After all, what’s new? No matter how many healthy friendships I have, or even if I’m in a loving relationship, I will still feel alone because everyone does. That’s the price of being human—we all feel the same, and we all cope with it horribly. So the weather for this Valentine's Day was frighteningly fitting—cold, bitter, and lonely; just like February 2020.
Everyone acts as if they care if someone is feeling suicidal, but they're full of shit. The only thing people care about is not being inconvenienced—one will say to reach out to friends, family, or a trusted loved one. What if your friends don’t care? What if the people that say they care about you are too preoccupied to care? What if you don't have health insurance and can't afford a therapist? What if psychiatric care, in general, is too triggering due to past experiences? Perhaps that's the universes way of telling me to off myself, just get it over with, you don’t belong. Perhaps friends and loved ones are just people you spend time with to help you forget about the pain of being alive, but they don't give a shit about you anymore than a stranger does. Maybe love doesn’t last forever and empathy doesn’t exist without something in return…
On Friday, February 12, I went to a rave. I had a blast by myself and said nothing to no one—except for a security guard, “Where do I show my tickets?”
The bartender, “I’d like a shiner please.”
And some random guy that asked me what time it ended, “2am.”
Oh, and the guys from the Tiny House Burgers food truck, highly recommend! So yeah, my social life is a total riot…
The problem with human beings is our primitive, tribal instincts. A rolling stone that gathers no moss tends to leave no impression, the same goes for human beings. A stone with “roots” so to speak, shows that it’s hospitable to others, reliable even. We can’t determine if a rolling stone with no moss is harmful to the unit unless it tears through like a wrecking ball (that's right...I'm listening to Mylie Cyrus), the same way we can’t determine if a loner is a loner by choice or had it enforced upon them.
Oh my God, Jlo’s ‘love don't cost a thing’ just came on… Is this accurate? Does giving a shit about someone truly come at no cost? I look at people who have either one person or a small collective of people that seem to love them and genuinely care about them, I won't lie, I do envy that. I don't really know what it's like to be in a stable, nontoxic relationship of any kind and I really want better for myself. I do have one friend I can count on from time to time, but she has a lot of her own personal issues and can't be there for me in the way that I need.
So what do I want? Do I want roots? Is it even worth it? I know every living creature on this planet dies alone, but am I meant to live alone regardless of how heavily it weighs on me, or how much I try to connect with others? I guess the real question is—what am I looking for and how do I want to be treated by another human being?
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